Job Interview Tips

As I am a big news honcho (not really) in a big metropolitan city (which big cities are not metropolitan?), I often get asked for tips in job interviews and such. Here are some of my recommendations:

1) When you meet, touch the boss on the thigh. It shows empathy.

2) Bosses love it when you shorten their first name. Means you know how to edit out unnecessary fluff. "Anz, can I call you Anz?"

3) Try to mimic the exact movements of the interviewer. EXACT movements. If they tap their fingers, you do too. If they open a drawer, you do too. It shows that you pay attention to detail.

4) Start every sentence with "I'm live here with..."

5) Bring up felonies immediately. Even ones where you were found not guilty. Better to get it out of the way up front. This also applies if you tend to be "handsy" (in which case, re-read #1).

6) Coffee is an essential part of the newsroom. So bring some coffee in a metal cup and sip it slowly and loudly throughout the interview. It shows you know what it's like to be "in the biz."

7) Two words: Bribes work.

8) Ask the boss about their gym habits. If they reply, just nod slowly and give them a raised eyebrow like you don't believe them. If they don't want to answer, do the same thing but include, "I can see why."

9) If you want to be an anchor, keep looking down and lifting up your head in a different direction, as if you were addressing a different camera. Then shuffle your resume and cover letter.

10) Thank you cards are essential. Bonus points for writing them on the back of local KKK chapter weekly meeting flyers. It shows you are keeping tabs on your community.